With Purpose Success, part 50

Emotional baggage flows from many parts of life. Who hasn't had difficulties? We all carry around more psychological weight than is good for us-be it from an unrequited love, betrayal by a friend, an abusive relationship with a spouse or parent, or maybe a financial setback. Maybe you feel you've been held back at the office by a clueless or cruel boss, or by a colleague who has sabotaged your work. Such things are part of the ebb and flow of life. You don't have to like them, and you are right to do what you can to correct them. But we all must learn to accept setbacks and hurt, and deal with them rationally. Dwelling on failures and disappointments only sucks up time and energy that could be spent achieving a new goal. The longer you take to deal with your baggage, the heavier it gets and the harder it will be to achieve your new dreams. 

Make peace with yourself and others. Part of reorienting your focus on new dreams is learning how to move beyond troubled or failed relationships. 

To do this it is helpful to forgive others for what they've done to you- and even yourself for what you may have done to others. Clear the decks. 

Get right with the world. Then you can move on unfettered and without hesitation. 

Forgiving is a personal decision and one that does not depend on the approval or acceptance of any other party. You can forgive those who have wronged you without uttering a word to them; indeed, people who have done you wrong may choose not to acknowledge the wrong. They may not seek your forgiveness. It doesn't matter. You're the one who wants to get past the ill feelings. It's your decision. You don't necessarily need them to participate. 

Likewise, you can forgive yourself for the wrongs you've inflicted on others even if they do not choose to forgive you. They may want to hold on to the grudge. They may want to carry that baggage forever. But you don't have to. If the person whom you have offended will not listen or cannot be reached, you can still forgive yourself and move on. 

In the past few decades, researchers have documented the many benefits of forgiveness. Long acknowledged as the path to salvation in the 

Bible and other religious scriptures, forgiveness more recently has been put through the rigors of science, and has proved to be a potent elixir. 

Holding a grudge, it turns out, can literally kill you. Forgiving is the antidote. 

In one study, college students were asked to focus on a grudge, and when they did, they registered higher blood pressure and a quicker heart rate. The students experienced increased muscle tension and heightened feelings of being out of control. They were asked to imagine forgiving their tormentor, and their vital signs returned to normal. In another study, people with elevated blood pressure due to anger saw their blood pressure return to normal after formal forgiveness training. And in yet another study, financial advisers who underwent forgiveness counseling boosted their monthly income by 24 percent Their minds were at ease, and they became more productive. 

The toxic effects of anger are real. Forgiveness can lessen stress by 20 percent according to Dr. Frederic Luskin, a senior fellow at the Stanford 

University Center on Conflict and Negotiation and a leading forgiveness researcher. He found that the act of forgiving leads to far less depression, heart disease, panic, back pain, nervousness, restlessness, and sadness, and a stronger immune system. Forgiving leads to greater feelings of hope, peace, compassion and self-confidence. It may even open the heart to kindness, beauty, and love. 

***

How do you go about forgiving? Here's a nine-step process based on the work of Dr. Luskin: