With Purpose Success, part 67

One of my most profound mentoring experiences came several years after I had launched my consulting firm, Age Wave. I was struggling to find time to manage my staff and my investors and, frankly, not enjoying myself. On the one hand, I liked the idea of running a growing organization because it was a platform that would let me expand and have greater reach. But the headaches of hiring and firing, raising capital, and dealing with high-pressure investors didn't seem worth it. I expressed these feelings to an older woman in my field, Rose Kleiner, who urged me to speak with her husband, Eugene, about my business problems. At that time, I had never heard of Eugene Kleiner, but it turns out he knew a thing or two about business. He was the cofounder of Kleiner-Perkins, the highly acclaimed 

Silicon Valley venture capital firm that initially funded Amazon.com, America Online, Genentech, and other successful enterprises. In his seventies at the time, I primarily thought that he was a kindly elderly man and, perhaps, he'd have some sympathy for my plight. Little did I know that within a few hours he would emerge as my Obi-Wan Kenobe for that stage of my life. 

So I met with Eugene-for just a day. It was both the start and the finish of a beautifully successful mentorship. I told him about my struggle with shareholders and my frustrations with capitalism; that I could easily walk away from the venture capital world and have a lot more fun. 

He listened patiently for hours as I whined away. Then I finally asked him what he thought. "Well, Ken, if you walk away from your employees and your shareholders now, you'll be far more free and you may even have more fun. 

But for the rest of your life, you'll be known as a 'quitter.' On the other hand, if you stay and fight, even if you fail, you'll be known as a 'fighter' -and if you win you'll be known as a 'fighter and a winner,' " he casually reflected. Then he added, "One day you may want to hire people again or raise money for a new venture, and people will look back and judge you on how you handled this dilemma. They'll either see a quitter, or a fighter or a winner. Take your pick." 

Bam! I knew I didn't want to be a quitter. That one day changed my life, and Eugene Kleiner probably never knew what a significant influence he had been. That's the way it works sometimes. What he said probably sounded trivial or obvious to him. It wasn't to me. If you make yourself available for this kind of role in others' lives you will have a bigger impact than you imagine. 

Another extremely important coach in my life was Maggie Kuhn, founder of the 1970s activist group known as the Gray Panthers, which fought for nursing home reform and against all forms of age discrimination. 

She was one of my guiding lights for years when I first entered the aging field more than thirty-five years ago. Back then, there were few positive images of the elderly. The study of aging was primarily focused on loss, disease, and poverty. I wanted it also to be about wisdom, connections, longevity, and continuing contribution. I wasn't sure the world was ready for my positive spin and thought about switching to another field of study. 

With Purpose Success, part 66

Yet the term mentor didn't fully emerge in popular language until the eighteenth century French priest and educator Francois Fenelon put his own spin on the subject in The Adventures of Telemachus. This was a soaring work of fiction that told of Telemachus's many travels and the relationships he forged with various wizened elders, including his primary teacher, Mentor. Searching for his father, Telemachus embarks upon a series of adventures and encounters with extraordinary men who directly or obliquely provide him with important life lessons. He employs these lessons in his search and ultimately becomes reunited with his father. 

Telemachus is little known today. But when it was printed in 1699 it became an immediate success and was the most frequently published modern work in the eighteenth and nineteenth centuries. The book was most important for the political views it espoused. But it helped shape intellectual development for a hundred years, and because the mentoring theme was so dominant throughout the story it solidified and gave a name to the act of being a role model and life counselor. 

In more modern times, Mitch Albom's Tuesdays with Morrie has become a mentoring classic. In this heartwarming real-life tale, Albom tells of reconnecting with a favorite college professor he hadn't seen in sixteen years. After learning his old mentor was dying of Lou Gehrig's disease, Albom visits the man every Tuesday and soaks up his wisdom on love, work, marriage, envy, children, forgiveness, community, and aging. 

Over the course of my career, I've seen a handful of seminal events that have lifted our youth-obsessed culture's aging awareness, such as 

John Glenn's trip back into space at seventy-seven, George Foreman retaking the heavyweight boxing crown at fifty, Jessica Tandy winning her first Academy Award for her role in Driving Miss Daisy at seventy-nine. 

But in some ways, Tuesdays with Morrie trumps them all. A runaway best seller, it presented a view of mentoring that caught the attention of millions of readers. It's not a Hollywood story about conquest or guy gets girl or coming of age. It's about the passing of wisdom; about the primal need for elder guidance and to pass along all that one has learned. There is something powerful about the passing of knowledge and wisdom and perspective from one generation to the next. Albom's book nailed it-and hit a global nerve. 

I'll bet you've had a mentor, or life coach, at some point and possibly been one too, at least informally. My time helping students with public speaking is a form of life coaching, and in the coming years-when I'm more or less done mentoring my children (you're never really done, of course, but now that Maddy and I are empty nesters, they seem to need me less)-I envision devoting many more hours to that kind of thing. As 

I grow older and, hopefully, grow a bit wiser, passing on the fruit of my experiences to others is a role I'd really like to play. 

Certainly, I've had mentors. In my case, they've been informal relationships at different points in my life. I long ago learned to value the insights and wisdom of people who are older than me. I've sought them out from time to time, and when I've connected it has always helped me work through specific problems or set a general vision for my work or my life. 

With Purpose Success, part 65

It might even fill a void for the younger woman if she has lost her mother or grandmother. 

Numerous studies, including one from Johns Hopkins University, have shown that adults who interact regularly with children report increased well-being and a healthier view of life. One study found that preschoolers in regular contact with adults develop better social skills. 

Kids who grow up exposed to the aging process tend to see it as natural.

They are less fearful of aging and exhibit greater tolerance and respect for elders. 

These kinds of findings have moved many communities to begin proactively joining the young and old by organizing activities at so-called shared sites. They include programs like the one at Heritage Day Health Centers, in Columbus, Ohio, which operates a program for older adults in the same building as a childcare center sponsored by the YWCA. Both sponsors pool their resources and promote activities including finger painting, cooking, and volleyball where both young and old participate. The nonprofit 

Generations United (www.gu.org) has as its goal matching different-aged people in an educational setting so that they can explore areas of common ground while celebrating the richness of each generation. The group's core belief is that young people can relieve isolation, loneliness, and boredom among older adults while the adults, in turn, can be a positive role model. 

There are many other options and organizations that will help you connect with younger-or older-people in an exciting learning environment, including programs at most universities or through mentoring groups like 

Community in Schools (www.CISNET.org) and Big Brothers Big Sisters of America (www.bbbsa.org). 

Mentor Your Way to Meaning 

No new connection, in my view, is more beneficial and personally fulfilling than the one that emerges when you invest a chunk of your time in someone else's future. What is a mentor? Generally, it is anyone who takes the time to share their life lessons with someone else who is typically younger and open to learning from the voice of experience. This is not just a guardian and her dependent or a teacher and her pupil, but any relationship where you are allowed to pass on a skill or your wisdom. 

Mentoring occurs in many places and has been with us for centuries.

It is one of the oldest forms of influence the world has ever known and has been traced to the ancient Greek storytellers. In his classic tales, The 

Iliad and The Odyssey, Homer tells of Odysseus, who asked his friend 

Mentor to look after and educate his son Telemachus while he fought in the Trojan War. 

With Purpose Success, part 64

Ten years later, Sabatini says, she remains in contact with every single volunteer from that trip. "I created relationships that are some of my longest term colleagues and friends," she says. One of those was the head of the local women's group in India, Bhavana Dee. She still lives in India, but Sabatini exchanges e-mail with her regularly. The two have coordinated service trips for other groups and visit each other. "We hang out, drink tea," says Sabatini. "She's one of those people I just have an easy connection with. Anytime she shows up she's welcome at my house for as long as she wants to stay." 

Reach across Generations 

In search of new and meaningful relationships, it can be enormously helpful to break out of the generational box where you more or less associate with and meet only people around your age. We have become an age-segregated society. The kids go to school all day and have carefully orchestrated extracurricular activities through the dinner hour, all with their peers. You spend ever longer hours at the office with no children or elders in sight. More older adults live in retirement villages or congregate in senior centers with people their age. And it's all exacerbated by our spread-out extended families, which only occasionally come together. 

When they do, family members sometimes find they have few touchstones. 

The result is that the old have too few relationships with the young; and the young do not understand their elders or the aging process. This distinctly modern condition has consequences. In the absence of understanding, myths and stereotypes flourish. Young and middle-aged people see elders as feeble and intransigent. Elders see younger generations as disrespectful and possibly even evil or dangerous. We all lose in the process because our perspectives are needlessly warped. 

Take a minute right now and think about the ten people you spend the most time with, other than your kids or parents. Is there anyone in the group who is more than ten years older or younger than you? How often do you even see a thirty-eight-year-old going out to dinner with their sixty-seven-year-old friend? Not often, right? This isn't the way things always were, nor is it the way things should be. Just a few generations ago, families lived together and worked on the farm, or at the family business. 

People were always dealing with and relating to children, young adults, heads of households, and grandparents. They saw births; they witnessed deaths. The old counseled the young and taught them valuable skills; the young challenged the old and offered new ideas. Everybody benefited. 

But today the tapestry of the generations has been pulled into threads.

Kids are preoccupied being kids, and with cell phones, the Internet, and Facebook-and parents often don't even know who the kids are talking to-or what they are talking about. Grandma and Grandpa may live four hundred miles away and be busy doing their own thing. You are left with your peers to ponder about how it all became so difficult to understand one another. 

Intergenerational ties can keep your life interesting and keep you connected while providing enormous emotional nourishment. Young people feel like they are being mentored; old people feel honored and that they have some way to offer their unique counsel. A thirty-two-yearold woman who befriends a sixty-three-year-old woman can learn about childrearing and marriage without competitive spirits getting in the way, like whose twelve-year-old is the smartest or best athlete. The two can simply enjoy their shared love of, say, spy thrillers, gardening, or investing. 

With Purpose Success, part 63

I would have eaten less cottage cheese and more ice cream.

I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day. 

I would never have bought ANYTHING just because it was practical/ wouldn't show soil/guaranteed to last a lifetime. 

When my child kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, "Later. Now go get washed up for dinner." 

There would have been more I love yous more I'm sorrys   more I'm listenings   but mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute of it ... look at it and really see it   try it on   live it   exhaust it   and never give that minute back until there was nothing left of it .. 

We can all learn something from Bombeck's observations about the value of relationships and experiences, and take the time and devote the energy to create our own special moments. 

Growing Close as a Vacateer 

Elisa Sabatini decided to seize every minute after hitting her middle forties.

She thought about the kinds of things that excite her, which include travel, cultural learning, and community service, and figured she was a good candidate to become what I call a vacateer-someone who goes on vacation to volunteer their time in the service of others. Through www.voluntours.org she signed up for her first trip, hoping to forge some friendships with people who share her passions. Sabatini, who is single and fifty-three years old, is now a veteran vacateer, and she remains close to many of those she met on three separate service trips over the past ten years. She cherishes the instant bond that people share when they take time out of their lives and pay their own expenses for the privilege of, say, working in fields or mixing cement as part of a project that will improve the lives of some of the poorest people on earth. 

Sabatini's first experience as a vacateer was a six-week trip to Asia, where she toured India, Sri Lanka, and Bangladesh with fifteen other volunteers. 

They worked with a local women's group that taught nutrition and health, and found housing and improved security for the residents of poor neighborhoods. "The experience we had there of looking at that culture and then looking at our own culture was really a compelling thing," she says. "I remember one of the guys on the trip said to me that he was so impressed to see that many of the issues in these little villages weren't so different from the issues that everybody deals with-loving your kids, putting food on the table, being sure that you've got a safe house for your children and a decent school in the neighborhood." 

With Purpose Success, part 62

What is going to most likely emerge in the years to come is people reaching out and seeking to form their primary connections with friends-not family. And women likely will take the lead in this mature friendship revolution as we begin to say good-bye to the Noah's ark style of living, where there is one man for every woman and they stay together for life. As we age, there simply won't be enough men to go around because they don't live as long. Millions of women are already discovering that it can be as nourishing to share life's ups and downs with a network of close friends as with one spouse. A trip to any geographic area with a high concentration of retirees will reveal the emergence of energetic and attractive groups of older women, who go to the movies together, enjoy investing together, and who care for one another when a health problem arises. Increasing numbers of women will choose to live together with their friends la The Golden Girls, recapturing some of the communal spirit of their youth and blending it with the emotional and financial practicalities of their current lives. 

Plan Your Relationships

If you're like most people, you've probably spent hours agonizing over and planning the financial part of your later years. Modern culture dictates it. You are raised and led to believe that your top priority in life is to achieve financial freedom; to quit work as soon as is practical; and to spend the rest of your days doing whatever you like. You literally grow up and grow old asking, "How much is enough?" Wall Street was built on this obsession, and plenty of others have tapped into it for profit as well. Author Lee Eisenberg enjoyed success with his thoughtful book on retirement preparation, titled The Number. But your happiness depends on so many other things. Boiling it all down to money can be a colossal mistake. 

Living well is foremost about how you spend your hours, and who you spend them with. Sure, financial resources give you more options. 

But the real goal isn't money for money's sake-to keep score, as Augie 

Nieto came to realize. It's finding quality time, and you can't have quality time without others to share it. "The experience of separateness arouses anxiety," noted the philosopher Erich Fromm. "It is, indeed, the source of all anxiety." So along with all of your financial planning you might try a little relationship planning too. After all, growing old and lonely is no more fun than outliving your savings. 

Few have described the value of friends, relationships, and experiences better than Erma Bombeck, who penned these fabulous words: 

If I Had My Life To Live Over 

Someone asked me the other day if I had my life to live over, would 

I change anything.

My answer was no, but then I thought about it and changed my mind.

If I had my life to live over again, I would have talked less and lis tened more. 

Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy and complaining about the shadow over my feet, I'd have cherished every minute of it and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was to be my only chance in life to assist God in a miracle. 

I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed. 

I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained and the sofa faded. 

I would have eaten popcorn in the "good" living room and worried less about the dirt when you lit the fireplace. 

I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth. 

I would have burnt the pink candle that was sculptured like a rose before it melted in storage. 

I would have sat cross-legged on the lawn with my children and never worried about grass stains. 

I would have cried and laughed less while watching television and more while watching life. 

I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband.

With Purpose Success, part 61

Why is that? Harvard author and professor of public policy Robert Putnam documents this in his landmark book Bowling Alone, where he explains fifty years of growing isolation as the product of the mass penetration of TV sets into households followed by newer technologies like the personal computer and Internet. Putnam argues that we are so distracted by technology and life in general that we do not take the time to search for true friendship or nurture it where it has taken root. In our increasingly isolated world, the notion of friendship has become watered down. 

You may have folks to shop with and to exercise with. You have fishing pals, and hang out with people at work. But few of these relationships rise to the level of genuine friendship-people to whom you can bare your soul and without whom your life would be significantly less full. 

These kinds of relationships-whether there are two or ten-deserve your focus. "Companionship is only the matrix of friendship," wrote C. 

S. Lewis. "It is often called friendship, and many people when they speak of their friends mean only their companions. But this is not friendship in the sense I give to the word." 

Nurturing new relationships is especially critical as adults. Eventually your parents, your partner and your siblings and other relatives may move on or pass away. Close friends can replace them in your life. In any event, good friends fill most of your emotional needs and can contribute to your sense of meaning. Hindu teachings say that friendship provides fulfillment in such psychologically critical areas as affection, romance, brotherhood, protection, guidance, and intimacy. Marlene Rosenkoetter, dean of the school of nursing at the Medical College of Georgia, identifies these virtues of friendship as well: playing a role in someone's life, feeling loved, feeling good about yourself, and having a support group. 

We're moving into a world where friendship networks, which are not necessarily easy or natural for us to form, are of utmost importance. In earlier days you didn't really need to know how to make friends. You simply had them. They lived near you, sat next to you in church, or worked with you. You didn't often pick up stakes and move; so you naturally bonded with folks in the community over the common interests that put you near one another in the first place. The idea of someone, at age sixty-three, walking up to someone in an art class and saying, "Hi, my name is Claudia. What's yours?" and trying to jump-start a friendship that way is kind of new. But it's increasingly common and important. 

With Purpose Success, part 60

This higher level of relating to those who matter the most is all part of speeding up as you reach the finish line. With time so dear, you come to realize that it just doesn't make any sense to lose a minute on trivial things or on trivial relationships. That's why I regard Nieto's marathon metaphor as so powerful. Look ahead to your finish line. You don't need to be ill to see it. You've probably got a bunch of good years left. But why not speed up anyway, and find and focus on the people and pursuits that really matter? 

Speeding up transformed Augie Nieto. He realized that before his illness he had been spending too much time building a shallow circle of acquaintances to fill out his life with activities and fun. What was missing, he concluded during his illness, were close relationships that would help him discover what he was all about and pursue new paths. He chose another metaphor to explain this idea to me: 

Think of performing on a stage with all the people in your life seated in the theater. Some are in the front row. Some are in the middle section, and others are seated way back. Those in the back row can barely see what's going on, and they are only modestly involved in your life. They can't see you sweat or wink or slip-or nail your lines. They may be interested, but in a detached and easily distracted way. Those in the middle rows have a slightly better feel for your performance. But you're still not making eye contact; there's much that they too miss. The folks in the front rows, on the other hand, see your every expression and do not miss a line. They pay close attention and practically live your performance with you. They may even feel the spittle from your mouth as you approach the front of the stage and passionately belt out your words. It is they you are performing for. They are the ones who really count. 

In life, Augie told me, focus on people in your front rows. "It's so easy to waste your time on the wrong people," he says. "Only when your time has grown short do you realize all of the lost opportunities. You could have spent your time with someone who really cares." 

One Good Woman-or Man 

If developing deep relationships and continually restocking the pool are so important, why is it so difficult? The Greek philosopher Diogenes spent his entire life searching for one good man, and by his account he never succeeded. Both Aristotle and Cicero considered a true friend among the most unusual of treasures. "The wish for friendship develops rapidly, but friendship does not," wrote Aristotle. "That such friendships are rare is natural . . . they need time and intimacy." 

Oh, yes. We have many acquaintances; the average number of "friends" that people claim in their lifetime numbers in the hundreds. But you cannot possibly have that many "meaningful" relationships of the sort that Augie Nieto has come to value. We routinely substitute the sweet nectar of deep and genuine friendship for the artificial flavor of passing acquaintances. We have filled our lives with a revolving door of folks who serve a purpose for a while but vanish as quickly as they appeared. 

With Purpose Success, part 59

But rather than die, as he had intended, Nieto was hospitalized and fell into a strange and revealing coma. For several days he could not move a muscle or communicate in any way. Yet his mind was alert, and he could hear everything being said around him. As his family and close friends kept a bedside vigil, they tearfully talked of their love for him and their hope that he would revive. Nieto was moved by their expressions of love for him, even as he lay in this comatose state with, in the best-case scenario, nothing but physical challenges ahead. 

For the first time in his life he saw and felt that he was deeply loved by those closest to him regardless of his appearance, physical abilities, sexual prowess, business acumen, money, or influence. He reflected that his wonderful wife and kids and close friends seemed to love him unconditionally, which he had never suspected. This realization both liberated and empowered him-and helped him shake off the coma. And it ultimately totally reshaped his worldview. "I woke up and was able to accept my diagnosis," Nieto said, further reflecting that "your body is just an envelope. You and what you stand for are inside." Once he realized that, Nieto said, "I was no longer just reacting; I was able to act. With encouragement and support I was determined to make a difference-a big difference." 

We too often seek in ourselves and in our friends superficial qualities.

Yet appearances are not the root of meaningful relationships. Augie 

Nieto had to fall desperately ill to realize that. Perhaps you've reached some nadir in life too. Hopefully not. But if you have hit a snag let the example set by Nieto-or quite possibly someone you know, a neighbor, friend, or family member-serve to reinvigorate you and enliven your personal quest for purpose in the relationships around you. 

The wisdom that Nieto acquired through his illness proved of such ultimate value to him that he eventually grew to accept his multiplying physical limitations. Only through the lens of his illness was he able to see life clearly. "Here's a guy who defined himself by his physical body as well as his mind, and now his physical body is like the crate he was shipped in," his wife, Lynn, told me. "His focus is stronger now. He's not out doing the one-hour runs and the massive workouts. But he's spending that energy elsewhere, where it really counts." 

Lynn Nieto says her husband's illness, and the revelations it stirred, actually drew the two much closer together. "I know things about my husband that most people will never know about their spouse," she says. "I know the way his beard grows. I know how to shave him. I know how to care for him in a physical way that I cherish. It takes forever for us to get ready in the morning. But I don't find that it's important that I'm ready to go at 7:30 am I cherish the preciousness of each day." She says that "our marriage is stronger than it's ever been." Of course from time to time they disagree. "But there's a whole different thought process of how long you're going to stay mad," she says. "You ask yourself: How significant was that? Do I really want to pick that fight?" 

With Purpose Success, part 58

It may seem a stretch to devote a chapter to new relationships in a book about moving from material success to personal significance. But finding purpose in one's adult years is about many things-finding the job or pursuit of your dreams, replanting your time and money-and also developing the richest and most meaningful connections of your life, and through that support network reaching for your full potential. 

Augie's Quest 

Let me return now to the story of Augie Nieto. He found his purpose in life when there wasn't much time left for him to pursue it. But that's not all he found. With his days running short, he thought deeply about what matters most-and through his reflections gained a high degree of wisdom about many things. I was especially taken by his life-as-amarathon metaphor. Nieto had been an avid runner before his illness; he competed in twenty-one marathons in all. He knew what he was talking about. His observation that in life, as in a long foot race, you speed up when you see the finish line is one of the most important things I've ever heard. 

Am I making too much of his observation? I don't think so. As I've said, most people live their life like a climb up a mountain: The way up is exhilarating; the way down-the back side of life-is a long period of retreat and withdrawal. Nieto's vision is so much more hopeful. It holds the promise of ramping up your ambitions and contributions later in life, not withdrawing, and through a kind of existential time warp actually doing-and becoming-more as you get older, and in far less time. 

Knowing his days are numbered has given Nieto renewed momentum and changed his path. "I redefined normal," he told me. As he went from 

Ferrari to wheelchair, athleticism to near total paralysis, he clarified and accelerated his goals; he wiped away trivialities and focused on what was important to him and brought meaning to his life. "I didn't mourn what 

I couldn't do; I celebrated what I could do."

His quest for an ALS cure was just one of those things, and there he's already established a powerful global legacy. With his business savvy and turbo-charged fund-raising, Nieto has expedited potential breakthroughs for many years to come. His ultimate legacy in this area may well be having established a model for networked collaboration and funding of scientific research that will be duplicated in the quest for many other cures. 

But along with his drive to make a difference in the world of science and medicine, he came to focus on something more personal-his connections to other people and especially with his wife Lynn. A strapping former football player and inventive and charismatic marketer, Nieto had always derived a large portion of his self-worth from being physically fit, charming, handsome, smart, savvy, and able to provide his family with a comfortable lifestyle. Without those attributes, he believed, he would be nothing; he would cease to be important even to the people around him every day. "I wondered 'Why me? What did I do to deserve this?' " Nieto recalled thinking after being diagnosed with ALS. His self-esteem devolved into self-pity, and he fell into despair and then one day purposely took an overdose of his medication. 

With Purpose Success, part 57

By the time you reach forty-six or fifty-two or sixty-six even most marriages could benefit from some refreshing. I have my own special way of doing that, which I'll share near the end of this chapter. For now, let me just say that if you put in the time it'll be worth it. Make the call. Send the e-mail. Extend the invite. You might be surprised at how rewarding it can be to reinvigorate not just your marriage but also other family ties and old friendships. Bonds forged many years ago are truly special. At one time, these were dear people in your life. Whatever happened since then doesn't matter. If your house was on fire it's their pictures and the mementos of them that you would grab. 

But as important as those relationships are-especially the one you share with your spouse-it is the not-yet-made relationship that has the power to be most transforming. With family and old friends you enjoy familiarity, and that may foster comfort and trust. These are vital relationships. 

Take especially good care of them. But don't stop there. Don't be content with the relationships you already have because there is no promise greater than the one built into a new encounter. 

New relationships come with uncertainty-but also excitement. They arouse your curiosity and sense of exploration. It is critical that you keep surrounding yourself with fun and interesting people who can help you discover and be what you want to be. I'm not saying your spouse and family can't help. Your husband or wife knows you best. Their understanding is definitely important. But nurturing and restocking your network of close friends is critical to the self-discovery and personal growth that will lead you down the road of higher purpose in the years ahead. 

In the past few decades we have become increasingly isolated. Studies show that the number of confidants each of us can truthfully claim has dwindled from four to just one or two. That's not enough. Too few friends is limiting. You have the capacity to handle more without sacrificing anything in your marriage and family, and each one of your close relationships will fill you up in unforeseen ways. You owe it to yourself to keep opening doors. This isn't a popularity contest. You're not trying to register the most "friends" on Facebook. So don't overdo it. Experts say that four is a good start. Six or eight is better. Ten could stretch you too thin. 

Great Partners, Great Results

How important are close relationships? History is full of examples of greatness that was only achieved through partnership-Laurel and 

Hardy, Martin and Lewis, Abbott and Costello, Lucy and Ricky, Rogers and Hammerstein, Lennon and McCartney, Ginger and Fred, Gates and 

Allen, Ben and Jerry, Antony and Cleopatra, Lewis and Clark, Bonnie and Clyde, Pocahontas and John Smith, Roosevelt and Churchill. 

These partnerships all surpassed what any of the individuals could have achieved on their own. "If we are together nothing is impossible. 

If we are divided all will fail," noted Winston Churchill. This human condition may be why so many important decisions in society are left to groups. For example, our laws are made by hundreds of politicians who were elected by millions of people. The Supreme Court rules by committee, as do juries. Central banks from the United States to Europe to Asia set interest rates via a majority vote. "Every prince needs allies," said Italian 

Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi, "and the bigger the responsibility, the more allies he needs." 

With Purpose Success, part 56

It's ironic that only when he had so little time left did Nieto realize what was truly most important in life. He sees what he has been able to accomplish on the ALS front, and it is so much more satisfying than the material successes he enjoyed before. If Nieto could speak clearly now I think he'd say to everyone in shouting distance that you should live your life with urgency, as though your time is running short. Find a dream and pursue it-with determination and passion. 

Your Marriage Is NOT the Most Important 

Relationship in Your Life 

In the drought and heat of Berkeley, California, in the summer of 1991 fires ravaged the hillsides. Berkeley is a quirky and wonderful place where 

I lived from my mid-twenties to my late thirties. It's a college town filled with lots of interesting characters who are among the most highly educated and wealthiest people in the world. In their homes they have all the latest high-priced technology as well as exquisite handmade and restored antique furniture. These people are extraordinarily well traveled, and many of their homes are decorated with Persian rugs, rare paintings, and exotic tribal art. Yet as flames swept through the area, and thousands of residents were given about three hours to pack up and evacuate, almost all of these beautiful and precious possessions were left behind. 

I love this story because three hours is plenty of time to grab a few paintings or roll up a rug. Yet three hours is not so much time that you can think for a while or make a second trip. Those who were fleeing had just one shot, and they had to make up their minds quickly; they had to decide what they would get from their home and stuff into their SUV on their way out of town. Their gadgets and their fancy and expensive stuff didn't make the cut. 

What do you think they took? What would you take? In almost every case, the things piled into their vehicles were family pictures and souvenirs of interesting moments in their life. Photos and videos. These were their most cherished belongings. At the end of the day, isn't it the experiences we have, and our memories of them, that are our most valued possessions? I believe this episode offers a beautiful illustration of the importance of the close relationships and moving experiences that you have throughout your life. It is the people you have known and the special moments that you've shared with them that matter; not things. Does someone have to burn down the house for you to realize that? 

Our lives can be busy. Making a living, raising kids, and keeping the household humming require tons of energy. Sadly, it's natural for relationships, even your closest ones, to slip to the back burner. How often do you call your parents or grown children? Have you lost track of a sister or a brother? What about nieces and nephews, cousins, a college roommate, or your Best Friend Forever from high school? 

With Purpose Success, part 55

He dedicated himself to finding a cure for ALS, even though with his rapidly deteriorating condition he fully understood that such a thing was not likely in his lifetime. His new goal, he told me, was to create and endow a businesslike operation that would become self-funding and stay on ALS research long after he had passed-or until a cure was found. 

I'm happy to report that just such an operation is now in place, thanks to "Augie's Quest," which he describes in detail in his 2007 book by the same title. 

As I was formulating my own thoughts for this book, I spoke at length with Augie in November 2007, when he had become wheelchair bound and ALS had rendered his speech almost unintelligible. He was a gentleman and took great pains to carefully enunciate so that I would understand his words. Virtually every sentence he uttered was a gem, and 

I could hardly believe the extent to which he had turned away from physicality and materialism and toward this larger more spiritual purpose. It occurred to me that this previously frisky caterpillar was transforming himself into a soaring butterfly right before my eyes. "At first, I had no idea what ALS was," Nieto confessed. "It's known as Lou Gehrig's disease. But Lou Gehrig died a long time ago. A lot of people don't remember him." Believing that the disease needed a face in order to attract funding for research, this very proud man went public with an illness that was killing him an inch at a time and robbing him of his ability to perform the simplest tasks, like walking, bathing, or feeding himself. He pledged much of his personal wealth to the cause as well and took every opportunity to speak on the subject and draw attention to the illness. 

Because of his entrepreneurial and team-building talents, Augie approached the usually disjointed and tedious process of global medical discovery with an intensity and ingenuity previously unseen. In a short time, Augie's Quest has been producing meaningful results, yielding clues from collaborative teams of researchers worldwide that should help to more quickly identify possible treatments. He has set in motion incentives, networks, and funding mechanisms that are literally speeding up the scientific process while ensuring that it will not slow down even after he's gone. This singular mission has brought great purpose to his life at a most difficult time. It's also taught him valuable lessons about not wasting time and living life with urgency, lessons that he freely passes on to those who will listen. "When you're healthy, life is like a marathon with no end in sight," he told me. "You can't see the finish line, so you slow down and pace yourself. But when the finish line is in view, you speed up because there is no point in saving your energy. This disease has taught me to run faster. I can see my finish line now, and so I run at a fuller tilt." 

With Purpose Success, part 54

But as I said, it won't just happen by itself. Robert Chambers didn't wake up one day with a pool of capital and a list of honest-but-poor folks who needed a decent car at a decent price. He had to find bankers and credit counselors who were willing to work with him. He had to vet his prospective clients for honesty and commitment. He had to research and document how his organization would help his clients break the cycle of poverty and turn them into good credit risks. It took years to put together. Somehow, he figured it out. Katie Ginsberg didn't just wake up one day with a well-oiled organization preparing sustainable-living curriculums and seminars for students and teachers. The whole effort was a nearly anonymous labor of love for two years, during which she researched the subject and attended lectures and symposiums. She had to figure out what organizations were pursuing similar goals and might partner with her and how to set up an IRS 501(c)(3) charity. She learned how to approach the government and private donors for grants and why it's important to set up a board of directors with diverse talents in education, the law, writing, business, and publicity. She had to make all that happen from a limited knowledge base. Somehow, she figured it out. 

I want to leave this chapter with another anecdote. I'll have more to say in the next chapter about my friend Augie Nieto. But this a good place to introduce him because his is a powerful tale of fruitful late blooming- not in the same sense as Clint Eastwood and Mark Twain, who enjoyed wonderfully creative success late in life, or even like Robert Chambers and Katie Ginsberg, ordinary folks who managed to break free from their auto-life rut by attacking social issues of personal importance. No, the story of Augie Nieto is vastly different; yet the lessons are universal. 

Finding His Purpose Through Illness

Augie Nieto was a robust, driven, ambitious, and even Nieto would say, largely a self-centered man. He was a health nut who stayed in tip-top shape and was always supremely well groomed. He was rich, having founded Life Fitness of Chicago, a maker of exercise equipment that he co-owned and which was sold in 1997 for $310 million. A brilliant and driven entrepreneur, power and money were important to him. "Money was a way for me to keep score," Nieto says. "That's how I measured if 

I had won." By that standard, he clearly had. Nieto drove a Ferrari and lived in a cliff-side house in Corona del Mar, California. He and his beautiful family indulged their every passion, like exotic travel, scuba diving, and Arctic snowmobiling. 

But Augie's fairy-tale life turned upside down in 2005, when at the age of forty-seven he found himself struggling to lift weights that were always an easy task for him. After a few weeks of uncertainty and terrible anxiety, he went for a checkup and was absolutely shocked to learn that he had amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, a degenerative and fatal illness better known as ALS, or Lou Gehrig's disease. Unaccustomed to setbacks that he could not pay his way out of or fight his way through, and envisioning the torturous decline that awaited him, Nieto became deeply depressed and suicidal. During that dark period he rethought all of his core values and concluded that his final hurrah, his legacy, needed to be about more than money. It needed to be about doing something important for the world. 

Nieto might have languished in self-pity, or he might have decided that with so little time left he should live life large and indulge his "bucket list" fantasies. He could afford it, and he always enjoyed being flashy. But material things and self-gratification had somehow lost their appeal. With each day bringing more incapacity and misery and the end of his life in sight, a series of changes happened inside of him that led him to conclude that it was the things that he could not buy that were most important to him-his family and his relationships, and his potential contributions to others. 

With Purpose Success, part 53

Clint Eastwood. Anomaly.' Well, no it's not."

We can't all be geniuses. But you can definitely learn and grow and innovate as you age. You can set new goals and have new dreams-and you can reach for them with an arsenal of lifetime skills that puts them well within reach. 

Shedding your old skin, or turning into a butterfly, isn't effortless.

You have to make it happen. A snake may take two weeks to rebirth and emerge as a bigger, brighter, shinier version of its former self. It's an incredibly exhausting ordeal. The caterpillar too must struggle to discard its old shell and bloom into something spectacular. It's no different for humans (except that it may take far longer!). 

It's great that you have so much potential; as an adult you can still have new hopes and dreams and a vision for a new kind of success in the years still before you. But you're not going to just wake up one day like 

Sleeping Beauty and have the life you want. You can, however, wake up one day and begin to ask: Who do I want to be next? What dreams do I have for the rest of my life? What would fulfill me now and in the years ahead? How can I get there? 

Empower yourself to think big. It's OK to consider things that are far different from anything you've ever attempted. It's OK to forget about chasing fame or money. You don't have to prove anything. And guess what? If you discover that gnawing feeling and decide that you'd like to do something new and purposeful; if you choose to go beyond your own self-indulgences, you just may open the doors to the most rewarding part of your life. "We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned," said the mythology scholar Joseph Campbell, "so as to have the life that is waiting for us." 

With Purpose Success, part 52

Kane, which Welles directed at the age of twenty-five, is widely held to be the most innovative movie of all time. Gates of course put the "personal" in personal computer. The experimental genius, on the other hand, matures over time and achieves greatness late in life-like Clint Eastwood or Louise Bourgeois or Mark Twain. They build on past successes and ultimately learn enough to produce genius-level masterpieces. "In our society, if you talk about creativity you immediately think of the young geniuses," says Galenson. "These are the Picassos and Andy 

Warhols of the world; people who basically just have an idea-usually when they're very young. This is what we traditionally have called genius: the idea that God touches you on the shoulder and endows you with this quality that you don't understand but gives you remarkable insight, and which very often disappears as you get older." But there is such a thing as acquired genius too. It comes after years of learning through trial and error. 

In Galenson's view, learning through experience leads to wisdom, which unlocks the creativity in experimental geniuses. The exact same mechanism is what produces all shapes and sizes of late bloomers-ordinary people who may not achieve fame and recognition but gain personal greatness through achievements that matter to them. He believes late blooming-like wisdom-is available to just about everyone. "Psychologists argue that wisdom and creativity are unrelated; that creativity is for the young and wisdom is for the old," Galenson says. "But this is obviously wrong. Wisdom is precisely the source of creativity." 

An avid art collector, Galenson chanced on his field of study while walking through a gallery one day. He came upon a ten-year-old paint ing that he liked, and a friend cautioned him not to pay the asking price. 

The artist's newest paintings were selling for much less, he was told. To Galenson that seemed natural. A lot of artists' earliest work sells for more because they fall into the conceptual genius category-like Andy Warhol, 

Jackson Pollock, and Jasper Johns. Their earliest work broke with contemporary standards; it was revolutionary and regarded as highly innovative. 

Through the years these artists never found another mold to break; their newer work was interesting, but it didn't have the same impact. So collectors gravitated to their early work, which naturally commanded the highest prices. 

Yet something troubled Galenson. Doctors and lawyers and bankers and many others tend to get better with age and command their highest fees late in life. Shouldn't it be the same with artists? Don't they get better with age? Looking at thirty years of auction data he found that there were indeed many artists whose latest work commanded the highest prices. 

These were experimental geniuses whose peak creativity surfaced only after years and even decades of building on past efforts to create exciting new works. 

Galenson studied the price-age relationship in other creative fields too and found the same pattern. There were always young hotshots who produced their best work right out of the box. But there were vast numbers who just kept getting better and better-more creative-with age. 

The ability to create, to do new things, must be enhanced by age in many people, he concluded. "There's a form of creativity in which wisdom produces innovations," he says. "Every time a young person comes along and does something dramatic and gets rich and famous, people say, 'Well, that's a genius.' When someone shows creativity late in life they say, 'Well, that's really unusual, that's an anomaly. Louise Bourgeois. Anomaly. 

With Purpose Success, part 51

1. Examine how you feel about what happened, and understand exactly why it's not OK. Explain these feelings to someone close to you. A trusted sounding board will let you confirm your view or possibly reveal flaws in your thinking that deserve further reflection. 

2. Make a commitment to forgive, and do so openly regardless of the response your act elicits. Forgiving is an act that will help you; it's not for anyone else's benefit. 

3. Empathize with the person who has offended you. Forgiving does not necessarily mean reconciling. But envisioning why a person acted a certain way helps you get past it. You are after peace of mind; not atonement or assignment of blame. 

4. Get the right perspective. Your ongoing pain is all about your hurt feelings-not about whatever first offended you weeks or months or years earlier. That's ancient history; let it go. 

5. Hold on to forgiveness. When you feel like taking it back distract yourself quickly with exercise or thinking of things that make you happy. 

6. Give up expecting things from other people that they don't want to give you. You can't control others. But you can work hard to provide hope, peace, love, and prosperity for yourself. 

7. Stop mentally replaying the events that hurt you; use your energy to find new ways to achieve your goals. 

8. Don't focus on your wounded feelings. That gives power to the person who caused you pain. Remember that a life well lived is always the best revenge. 

9. Remind yourself that forgiveness is a heroic choice. Commit to it publicly and stick with it. 

Be Open to Late Blooming 

Middlescence may be the ideal time for fresh starts and late blooming with new dreams and goals, of intellectual growth, new relationships, vitality, and contribution. The rocking chair can wait. It has for John 

Glenn, who went back into space at the age of seventy-seven. After twenty years of directing, Clint Eastwood in his seventies began making the best films of his career, including award winners like Letters from Iwo 

Jima, Flags of Our Fathers, and Million Dollar Baby. Some of our brightest lights got off to a rocky start. "Can't sing. Can't act. Balding. Can dance a little," read a casting director's notes after an early audition by Fred 

Astaire. Walt Disney was fired from an early job for not having any good ideas. Mark Twain and Alfred Hitchcock produced their best work past the age of forty. 

Late bloomers are everywhere, and among them are scores of ordinary people. We often presume energy and creativity to be the domain of youth. Yet that is not the case. In fact, creativity, a core trait found in many late bloomers, may be enhanced with age. That is the central finding in the groundbreaking work of economist David Galenson at the 

University of Chicago. In his studies of creative genius he determined that creativity comes in two basic forms-conceptual and experimental. 

The conceptual genius is like Orson Welles or Bill Gates. They come on the scene at a young age with a bold new idea and change history. Citizen 

With Purpose Success, part 50

Emotional baggage flows from many parts of life. Who hasn't had difficulties? We all carry around more psychological weight than is good for us-be it from an unrequited love, betrayal by a friend, an abusive relationship with a spouse or parent, or maybe a financial setback. Maybe you feel you've been held back at the office by a clueless or cruel boss, or by a colleague who has sabotaged your work. Such things are part of the ebb and flow of life. You don't have to like them, and you are right to do what you can to correct them. But we all must learn to accept setbacks and hurt, and deal with them rationally. Dwelling on failures and disappointments only sucks up time and energy that could be spent achieving a new goal. The longer you take to deal with your baggage, the heavier it gets and the harder it will be to achieve your new dreams. 

Make peace with yourself and others. Part of reorienting your focus on new dreams is learning how to move beyond troubled or failed relationships. 

To do this it is helpful to forgive others for what they've done to you- and even yourself for what you may have done to others. Clear the decks. 

Get right with the world. Then you can move on unfettered and without hesitation. 

Forgiving is a personal decision and one that does not depend on the approval or acceptance of any other party. You can forgive those who have wronged you without uttering a word to them; indeed, people who have done you wrong may choose not to acknowledge the wrong. They may not seek your forgiveness. It doesn't matter. You're the one who wants to get past the ill feelings. It's your decision. You don't necessarily need them to participate. 

Likewise, you can forgive yourself for the wrongs you've inflicted on others even if they do not choose to forgive you. They may want to hold on to the grudge. They may want to carry that baggage forever. But you don't have to. If the person whom you have offended will not listen or cannot be reached, you can still forgive yourself and move on. 

In the past few decades, researchers have documented the many benefits of forgiveness. Long acknowledged as the path to salvation in the 

Bible and other religious scriptures, forgiveness more recently has been put through the rigors of science, and has proved to be a potent elixir. 

Holding a grudge, it turns out, can literally kill you. Forgiving is the antidote. 

In one study, college students were asked to focus on a grudge, and when they did, they registered higher blood pressure and a quicker heart rate. The students experienced increased muscle tension and heightened feelings of being out of control. They were asked to imagine forgiving their tormentor, and their vital signs returned to normal. In another study, people with elevated blood pressure due to anger saw their blood pressure return to normal after formal forgiveness training. And in yet another study, financial advisers who underwent forgiveness counseling boosted their monthly income by 24 percent Their minds were at ease, and they became more productive. 

The toxic effects of anger are real. Forgiveness can lessen stress by 20 percent according to Dr. Frederic Luskin, a senior fellow at the Stanford 

University Center on Conflict and Negotiation and a leading forgiveness researcher. He found that the act of forgiving leads to far less depression, heart disease, panic, back pain, nervousness, restlessness, and sadness, and a stronger immune system. Forgiving leads to greater feelings of hope, peace, compassion and self-confidence. It may even open the heart to kindness, beauty, and love. 

***

How do you go about forgiving? Here's a nine-step process based on the work of Dr. Luskin: 

With Purpose Success, part 49

Answer each question like this: 1, strongly agree; 2, agree; 3, neu tral; 4, disagree; and 5, strongly disagree: __In this complicated world, the only way I can know what's going on is to rely on trusted leaders and experts. __I am annoyed by unhappy people who feel sorry for themselves. __There are some people I know I would never like. __Things often go wrong for me by no fault of my own. __It is better not to know too much about things that can't be changed. 

Now answer each of these questions like this: 1, not true of myself; 2, rarely true of myself; 3, about halfway true; 4, mostly true of myself; and 5, definitely true of myself. __I try to look at everybody's side of a disagreement before I make a decision. __When I'm upset with someone I usually try to put myself in his or her shoes. __When I am confused by a problem, the first thing I do is consider all the pieces of information. __Before criticizing someone I imagine how I would feel in their place. __If I see people in need I always try to help them in one way or another. __Your wisdom total. 

There's a certain pattern to the "wisest" answers. If you figured it out and worry that you didn't answer each question completely honestly, you might want to take the more difficult, extended version online. It can be found at www.nytimes.com/ref/magazine/20070430_WISDOM. html?_r=1&oref=slogin. But if you're satisfied with your answers, simply add your scores and then divide by 10. Most people end up between 3 and 4. If you scored higher than 4 you are relatively wise; if you scored lower than 3 you are-well, let's just say that you may need a more considered point of view. 

With age-related wisdom most of us come to understand that you are best served by turning your energy toward positive pursuits. Here's three steps that will help you focus on your new dreams: 

Get rid of unnecessary baggage. Too much weight slows you down, both literally and metaphorically. You will never see an overweight Olympic sprinter; she wouldn't have a chance. She'd have to go on a diet and shed the extra pounds-the baggage-to get back on her game. The same is true of someone who has, say, gone through a bitter breakup. Carrying the scars of a failed union into the next relationship can undermine it from the start. You must come to grips with the previous loss-shed the guilt, blame, and resentment-before you can find happiness or discover your new purpose. The chronically ill face a similar challenge. Therapists tell them they must accept their condition and lose the anger and frustration before they can move on and live their best life possible. They must adjust to their new reality and redefine their goals within the framework of what is possible. 

With Purpose Success, part 48

You have perspective and technical skills. You have learned some things about patience and compassion. Your experiences make you the way you are and shape what you can yet be-namely, an influential force of one with the opportunity to make a difference by keying on what's important to you and doing something about it. 

When you bloom as a young adult there's a beauty and innocence to it-but you are just beginning to discover who you are. When you bloom or go through a metamorphosis in middlescence there's an authority to it; you have knowledge and roots and perspective. Such wisdom is no small thing. Socrates found the notion of wisdom so perplexing that when asked to define it he simply shrugged and said he had never seen it-in himself or anyone else. Wisdom has been thought to be so rare that it typically is ascribed only to heroes in folklore like King Arthur or biblical figures like King Solomon or spiritual visionaries like Confucius, 

Buddha, Abraham, Mohammed, and Jesus Christ.

Yet scientific research over the last thirty years shows us that the wisdom we need to keep growing and making good decisions is within almost everyone's grasp, and that it is closely associated with the aging process. Indeed, German researchers in the mid-1980s working on something called the Berlin Wisdom Paradigm concluded that you are most likely to experience peak wisdom at age sixty, though it is possible to peak at almost any age up to year seventy-five. The Berlin Paradigm defined wisdom as "an expert knowledge system concerning the fundamental pragmatics of life." Wisdom in action, the Berlin group concluded, amounts to good judgment, shrewd advice, insight, keeping one's emotions in check and empathizing. 

This research has had practical effects: leading companies like Boeing, Volkswagen, John Deere, Stanley Consultants, S.C. Johnson, L.L. Bean, 

CVS, and Home Depot now actively recruit and seek to retain a fifty-plus workforce. Older workers cost about 1 percent more to employ mainly because of the greater cost of their benefits, according to an AARP study. 

But employers have come to assign an even greater value to the knowledge, experience, perspective, and ability to mentor young workers that a seasoned employee may offer. 

What does this mean for you? Well, for one thing your odds of finding a welcoming employer later in life are better than ever. Forward- thinking companies are beginning to understand the value of experience in a knowledge-based economy. But the main point is that your middles- cent years are your wisest to date; right now is when you have the most to offer in any endeavor you tackle. 

Monika Ardelt, a German sociologist, concluded that wisdom is built around the ability to understand human nature, perceive a situation clearly, and make good decisions despite competing interests and conflicting information. Wisdom also incorporates the ability to step out of oneself and understand multiple perspectives. All of these traits, re searchers agree, become more prevalent as you progress up the age spectrum. 

Wise people learn and gain perspective from setbacks; they are able to view problems as puzzles to be solved-not as fate or punishment. 

Wisdom can arise in people of ordinary backgrounds, Ardelt found, as readily as it arises in those who have been highly educated. 

Are you wise? Try this short quiz:

With Purpose Success, part 47

In response, Maddy and I recently had the great fortune of teaming up with a remarkably talented former Disney animator Dave Zabosky (Beauty and the Beast, Lion King, Aladdin) and his magical seven-year-old daughter 

Grace. Together we four created a wonderful illustrated children's book, Gideon's Dream: A Tale of New Beginnings. According to Maddy, "It's a story about a little grub caterpillar who slogs through his day just doing the same old, same old until one day he gets stuck on a leaf that starts falling to Earth. And he gets the experience of flying and it's totally exhilarating to him. Yet once he falls to Earth he can't figure out how to make it happen again. It gets to the point where the little grub begins to dream about it and think about it all the time-daydreaming, dreaming at night. 

So he goes off into the meadow all by himself and he builds a little place to live and he starts trying to figure out how to have his dream come true. 

And the next thing you know, he reinvents himself as a buttlerfly.

In this book we attempted to craft a hopeful story for the ages, a story for parents to read to their children, for children to be influenced by, and even for kids and grandparents to share together. 

Let Your Inner Butterfly Loose

My daughter, Casey, and my son, Zak, are terrific young adults. At twenty- one, Casey is set to finish college and develop her own unique game plan and philosophy of life. She's learning to relate to all sorts of people, has wonderful close friends, and has been sorting out her hopes and dreams regarding her career. In her field of study, media and communications, her insights and budding talents dazzle me. She is emerging as a wise, charismatic, and powerful young woman. At eighteen, Zak has just left the nest to begin his college life. I look at the books on the shelf in his newly vacant bedroom and I'm amazed: The Sun Also Rises, Siddhartha, 

The Iliad, Childhood's End, to name a few. I enjoy watching him try to make sense of all that is going on in his life, like any teen-getting to know the opposite sex, contemplating a field of study. He, too, is already showing promising signs of thoughtfulness and leadership. Yet at their ages, there is so much that my kids don't yet know or understand-from politics and business to relationships and struggle and hardship. They're still young. Their inner butterflies are still taking shape. 

I, on the other hand, have those extra forty years of ups and downs, problems and solutions, arguments won and lost, disappointments, successes, learning what works and what doesn't. My inner butterfly-the sum of my experiences and how they make me feel and behave-is just waiting to burst forth. Yours may be too. Your life experiences (and you've had literally thousands of them) give you the critical knowledge you need to reach your full potential in middlescence. There are so many valuable assets that come with age. You probably have more seasoned people skills. You can better separate what's important from what is not. 

With Purpose Success, part 46

Life is like a snake shedding its skin. A third metaphor that fascinates me is that of a snake shedding its skin. This is a somewhat bizarre occurrence, and yet it happens regularly in the reptile world. A snake basically rebirths itself every month or so by crawling out of its own skin-often right before a big event like mating or giving birth. A snake must literally reject its own skin in order to change and grow. When it does this, what emerges is a more beautiful, more mature version of itself. A snake has to fight and struggle to wriggle free of its old skin. It's an exhausting process that may take up to two weeks, during which time the snake becomes irritable and partially blind. If you ever see a snake shedding its skin- even a pet-take special care! It may be unusually aggressive. Yet this is all part of the snake's nature-it must periodically go through this odd ordeal to become something bigger and better than it was before. 

This isn't a bad way to go through life either-intermittently struggling with who you are and making the big effort to shed parts that aren't working anymore, and ultimately emerge as a new and improved you. It represents a path of continued growth. If you're going through life this way, congratulations-you'll never be bored and you'll always be growing. 

But no matter how many times you get bigger and better-you'll always essentially be what you were, just a little more of it. 

Life is like a caterpillar becoming a butterfly. Why settle for shedding your skin and becoming a little improved, when you can transform into something fundamentally different? This is what I believe the new middlescence is really all about; this is what moving from material success to a life of higher purpose really offers. You can be a simple earthbound caterpillar one day, working diligently at keeping house and striving for some security, and the next day blossom into a soaring butterfly that brings a touch of beauty into the lives of all who behold you. This isn't just blooming once and going to seed. This isn't just blooming over and over but never changing. This isn't shedding your skin and coming back better at what you already do. This is a spectacular metamorphosis into some thing different than what you've been before. There may not be anything more majestic than your potential for utter transformation in adulthood. 

Listen to the words of Marianne Williamson from A Return to Love:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves: Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? 

Actually who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. 

We are all meant to shine, as children do. And as we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. 

Over the decades of my career, I've always been fascinated by people who reinvent themselves in adulthood. You know, the mom who goes to law school at forty-five, the person who comes back from health problems to run a marathon at sixty, the couple that falls in love at eighty, the retiree who starts a whole new career after his retirement life stage begins to bore him. At the same time, we were raising our own children and reading them stories at night. We were struck by the fact that stories about personal reinvention in adulthood just weren't present in the popular childrens' books that we were reading to our kids-in which maturity was often portrayed as a time for crones and geezers. 

With Purpose Success, part 45

Life is like a flower that blooms once. Think of a spring garden filled with newly opened flowers. Perhaps they are impatiens or begonias, or some other annual that starts as a seed, sprouts, grows and in time bursts into spectacular color. Then, at season's end, the petals fell off and the stalk wilts and the plant shrivels never to bloom again. The flower goes to seed. 

While its seeds can be replanted, the plant itself has but one life, one bloom, and it musters all its energy to make that one bloom as spectacular as possible. Many people (maybe even most) view their time on Earth in a similar light. You are born. You grow. You learn. You get a career, and you struggle to achieve as much as you can-to reach full bloom. Then you retire and wither away. With just one crack at being spectacular, you give it your all. But by fifty or sixty you are whatever you're going to be; you have reached your fullness and taken your shot, and you spend the rest of your days just fighting to keep the petals from falling off. The transformation from seed to flower-from birth to maturity-is breathtaking. 

But it occurs just once. With this model, there are no second chances. 

Life is like a flower that blooms every year. There is a second type of flower that I find far more interesting-the perennial. These are ingenious and hardworking little creations that burst forth every year for many years, repeating the cycle of going from seed (bulb, to be more precise), to sprout, to flower, and at season's end back to bulb, where they lie patiently waiting for the next season. They're still flowers. They have roots and petals just like their cousins, the annuals. But they are constitutionally different. 

They don't really die; they hibernate. They come back again and again and again. 

What's especially fascinating about perennials is that they never change. A pink tulip is a pink tulip-and will become a pink tulip again. 

It'll grow eighteen inches; have a green stem and green leaves, and six pink petals year after year. Perennials have staying power. They have the capacity to return many times. This isn't a bad model for life: do one thing well, take a break now and then, and come back and do it well all over again. You may enjoy re-creating the same flower, or successes, time and again, and taking some time off along the way to rest and gather yourself for the next season. This is a far better model for life than the flower that blooms but once. But it's also far from perfect. 

With Purpose Success, part 44

I've also talked about a new "cyclic" life, one where you distribute your longevity bonus throughout your adult life. You work longer but take extended sabbaticals along the way. You retire from one job, and then start a whole new career. Along the way you might take the time to go back to school, fall in love again with your spouse or someone new, discover new passions, and generally reinvent yourself over and over again. "Follow your bliss and doors will open where there were no doors before," said Joseph Campbell, the mythology expert. That is what your bonus years can be all about. With good health and more time you may enjoy a virtually ageless middlescence, where instead of learning, working, retiring in chronological order you move in and out of these life phases as it suits you. 

The world hasn't yet wrapped its arms around this bold new life-cycle concept. Longevity is still portrayed as a demographic and economic force, and as a physical phenomenon. You hear about people living longer (weatherman Willard Scott became famous with his quaint vignettes of centenarians), how the graying population will destroy the pension system (which is at the heart of the debate over entitlements around the world), and how certain foods (organic) will let you live more healthfully or how vitamins will extend your youthfulness. Yet we fail to grasp that longevity is psychological and spiritual as well. It goes to the core of who you are because your bonus years cry out for an answer to questions like, where am I in the journey of my life? Am I near the end or only in the middle? How far have I traveled? How much farther do I have to go? 

Historically, life has been like a climb up a mountain-on the way up every step is a struggle, but one that improves your skills and brings you closer to your zenith. It's exhilarating as you ascend the mountain and your hard work is rewarded with an ever widening view. But then you reach the top and there is nothing more to look forward to. That's what happens to a lot of people when they hit age sixty or so-they have reached their top and feel that they have achieved all they likely will. 

From there life is a long walk down the mountain; with every step the view contracts. Life's thrills are at an end. No matter how you sugarcoat it-"the golden years"-this kind of descent ultimately proves depressing because your achievement is behind you and you have nothing to look forward to. You are winding down. 

Today, though, more and more folks are rejecting this model. They want to stay on top longer-or find new mountains to climb, and longevity lets you do it. Your bonus years aren't about being old for a longer time-they are about new achievement; second, third, and fourth acts; and making a difference in ways that you might never have imagined. 

Four Views of Life 

Amazing rebirths and transformations are quite common in nature. "A drop of water becomes vapor, which is invisible, yet vapor materializes into billowing clouds, and from clouds rain falls back to earth, forming river torrents and eventually merging back into the sea," writes Deepak 

Chopra in Life after Death: The Burden of Proof. "Has the drop of water died along the way? No, it undergoes a new expression at each stage . . . 

Any drop of water in my body could have been ocean, cloud, river or spring the day before." The potential for dramatic change exists throughout nature, and within you. 

With Purpose Success, part 43

To encompass this broad new vision for a full life after your primary career, the definition of retirement is changing radically-even though the term itself appears too sticky to shed. For better or worse, "active retirement" seems to be entering the lexicon to describe this new stage of life. But I prefer middlescence. Just as the new life stage of adolescence- the period between childhood and adulthood-emerged about a hundred years ago; middlescence-a period between adulthood and old age, say ages fifty to seventy-five-is surfacing today. 

For six million years humans didn't live much past twenty-five or thirty years of age. But in the past two hundred years our life span has tripled. 

Extraordinary breakthroughs-in public health, penicillin and other antibiotics, early immunizations for polio and other diseases, modern surgical techniques, and new pharmaceutical compounds-mean that more and more of us wake up each day with the idea that we just might live to ninety or even a hundred. And here's the thing: the best is yet to come. 

The longevity revolution is not over; it may even be picking up steam.

Just 160 years ago the elderly were a tiny fraction of the world population.

Back then, less than 5 percent of Americans and Europeans reached age sixty-five. The figure remained well below 10 percent as recently as 

1930. Now, projections have the number of sixty-five-year-olds globally doubling by 2050, at which time there will be more people over age fifty than under age fifteen, and the average fifty-year-old will be able to expect to live another forty-plus years. 

How far might this all go? One notable extremist, Dr. Aubrey de Grey, a computer scientist at Cambridge University in England, thinks we can extrapolate recent longevity gains far into the future. It may be possible for the human body to live several hundred years in an optimal environment, he believes. 

This is an admittedly radical prediction. But it points up just how much progress is taking place before our eyes. There is right now a wide and stunning range of promising research in medicine, from stem-cell breakthroughs to new pharmaceuticals to new hormone therapies and organ replacement and rejuvenation techniques. This work promises to lengthen your life for years beyond what you probably expect. Molecular biologist 

Cynthia Kenyon was able to double the life span of a worm by tweaking a single gene. She believes her work will eventually eradicate Alzheimer's and other age-related diseases. Scientists simply will not rest until they've found the fountain of youth, or at least the fountain of health. 

People commonly living to ninety or more will represent a challenging new frontier for mankind. We are explorers by nature, accustomed to harnessing our courage and resolve to cross a river, a continent, an ocean-the heavens-to discover new lands. Yet the longevity frontier poses a new kind of challenge. It's about exploring the space in your head and in your soul, not necessarily in just the world at large. What are you to make of your longevity bonus years? Do you tag them on at the end of life without changing what comes before? Why not distribute this longevity bonus at intervals along the way? Does your life cycle remain unchanged-learn, earn, retire-with the last part, old age, simply lasting longer? Or is a more interesting model beginning to surface-learn, earn, return? In this model you may use the "return" years to have and pursue new dreams and set energizing new goals for how to give something back. 

With Purpose Success, part 42

If it doesn't come naturally, you may not know where to start.understand the correlation between having goals and achieving their dreams. They think just trying to keep moving forward is sufficient. But it usually is not. Setting a goal-and identifying checkpoints-allows you to monitor your progress and adjust your plans along the way. 

Early success and popularity have a way of making you complacent, which if you can't shake it will catch up with you. goals because they do not want to stand out. They feel safe when they conform. 

Maybe you're reluctant to set new goals at this age. Don't be. Try to understand your feelings and correct your thinking. It's not too late. 

It's never too late. In fact, in the context of living to eighty-five or one hundred-and-five-it's quite early in the game, and the fears and excuses 

I've described can be easily overcome through the wisdom and experience of maturity. 

A whole new period of productivity and engagement is opening before you. In recent years I and others have tried to put a name on this period when you may be done focusing on your career but be far from resigned to playing golf or bridge every day. You will most likely stay active in your family and community, and possibly even engaged in some sort of paid work. No word or term for this new phase of life has quite captured the public consciousness. Rehirement had legs for a while. Jeri Sedlar's clever word rewire gets used here and there. Neil Young asserted, "I won't retire but I might retread." In The Power Years, we wrote about freetirement and unretiring. 

Rehire. Rewire. Retread. Re-hmmm. As I said, none of these has really stuck, even though all of them get at the essential point that in the new life stage I'm describing you'll need to keep setting new goals and having big dreams. You will not retreat or withdraw, which is the literal meaning of retire. Instead, as you cross into maturity you'll likely want to reboot and reengage, and find ways to apply your skills and hard-won insights to new endeavors and to learn new skills and tackle old problems as you infuse purpose into the many years still before you. 

Now, as you reach your sixties and beyond you may have reached the critical point of economic freedom; having saved in your 401(k) plan, paid down the mortgage, and watched your youngest child leave the nest. 

You'll be able to use your time however you choose, and hopefully you'll have the good health and longevity to possibly do something grand. You may write a book on a subject that fascinates you. You may turn your love of music into a new career organizing concerts that benefit a cause. 

You might study scripture and lead a congregation. Maybe you'll decide to mentor a child, manage a book drive, or raise money for a third world business that needs help getting off the ground. 

With Purpose Success, part 41

But grant money is starting to roll in, which will help her expand, and after several years of working long hours for no pay she expects to begin taking an annual salary of $40,000 or so in the next year or two. Ironically, even though most grantors insist on low overhead they also insist on the presence of some paid staff at the charities they support. Paid staff is perhaps the best signal that a program is functioning and will be around for a while. "I just feel grateful that this passion came to the surface," Ginsberg says. "It wasn't something that I was intentionally seeking. I just feel really lucky and fortunate. A lot of people have said to me 'I wish I had a passion like that. I wish I had something that I felt so dedicated to that I could identify a way to spend time and make a commitment like this.' I think you just reach a point in your life when you're old enough to have the perspective of looking back and starting to think about what kind of legacy you want to leave. Maybe this is the benefit of age." 

What does Ginsberg get from her efforts? Like so many of the people I have interviewed, who have found a larger purpose for living and invested their time and energy into learning how to spark meaningful change, she believes she now possesses knowledge that is just too valuable to go unused. "What I get is knowing that I am making a difference to some kid, somewhere, and to some teachers' ability to bring these lessons into their students' lives. I feel like I'm making a difference for the future, and that's what keeps me going. If I didn't do this, knowing what I know, it would just be irresponsible." 

OK. I have spilled a bit of ink on Robert Chambers and Katie Gins- berg. Why? After all, they aren't headline grabbers like Bono or Angelina 

Jolie or Bill Clinton or Warren Buffett, all of whom are contributing to meaningful change in the world through their celebrity and riches. 

While interesting and noteworthy, though, celebrity contributions are a trifle compared to the cumulative good that people of ordinary means can bring about. Robert Chambers and Katie Ginsberg are just such ordinary people-perhaps like you-and they show us that it's not too late to discover your calling; that you too can set new goals at any age and pursue new dreams and reach for something grand. "Far away there in the sunshine are my highest aspirations," wrote Louisa May Alcott. "I may not reach them. But I can look up and see their beauty, believe in them and try to follow where they lead." 

New Goals for a New Life Stage 

Prior to this stage of life your goals were all about meeting needs and doing well at work. Yet it is imperative to have new dreams and chase them in order to keep from being stagnant. You have a responsibility to keep yourself vital by thinking about what you want to be and by thinking about how you want to use your life. Remember, as Professor Shoven said: if you are not going to die soon, then you are not old. If you are not old, you have many years left and you must decide what to make of them. 

This is a new challenge presented by our new longevity. Embrace it.

People who have dreams and set goals are more likely to find achievement.

Yet many folks never do set goals, either personal or professional, not while they are young and not even after they mature. Why don't more people set goals? In general, psychologists point to seven reasons: 

Many of us go through life doing as we are told-trying to live up to other peoples' expectations instead of creating our own. goal that others see as lofty, they will surely try to bring you down and recite many reasons why you'll never reach your goal. know, and you may feel foolish. 

With Purpose Success, part 40

Among friends, Ginsberg would bring up her concerns and get mostly disinterested nods. They thought she was turning into an insufferable tree hugger. "I was feeling very frustrated," Ginsberg says, and that's when she decided that, as a society, we need to start educating kids so that they grow up aware of environmental dangers-much as baby boomers grew up aware of the nuclear threat, in part owing to drills at school that instructed us on how to take cover. 

The first thing she did was investigate her own school district to see what was being done to teach kids, not just about environmental issues, which are generally acknowledged, but also about full-scale sustainable living. "There are all these issues with the world-scarcity issues, resource issues, human-health issues," Ginsberg says. They are interconnected and ultimately must be viewed as one. Say, for example, you're a company manufacturing environmentally safe detergents but your suppliers are clear-cutting the rain forest to get ingredients; the whole effort is worse than pointless-it's counterproductive. Yet the well-intentioned manufacturer may not even know the adverse impact of his efforts. 

Connecting the dots in this way, Ginsberg found, was a new concept in schools, and so she set her sights on educating school districts about how to integrate lessons on the economic and social impact of environmental problems and solutions into their core curriculums. There, she believed, lay the master solution. 

Ginsberg's school district welcomed her involvement. So she began attending conferences and researching the issues. That was in 2002, and within a year she and a small group of individuals with backgrounds in education, corporate environmental affairs, and environmental law had launched the Children's Environmental Literacy Foundation (www.celfoundation. org). Their stated mission: educate children about sustainable living practices by integrating the lessons into everyday subjects like math, English, and science. 

How does it work? In choosing a book to study, an English teacher might choose The Ecology of Commerce by Paul Hawken or The Future of Life by Edward O. Wilson or Collapse by Jared Diamond. These are modern classics dealing with the vulnerabilities of the natural world and human societies. A math teacher might cite algebraic equations based on carbon emissions and what it takes to offset them. Students might learn, for example, that in the United States the average citizen uses up about fifty-five acres of Earth in their lifetime, a devastating burn rate-but one that can be neutralized by changing certain consumption habits. Somewhere in all of that sits a whopper of a math problem! 

Ginsberg's organization is starting to get traction; the ideals that she champions are already being incorporated in about twenty-five school systems. She believes that through annual forums and classroom work her organization's programs have already reached some 15,000 students. 

With Purpose Success, part 39

Unilever and other packaged goods companies. She later helped build a family business in leather goods and supervised the marketing and design of several product lines. But with the birth of her third child, and her husband's legal and investment career on track, she decided to stay at home full-time and now treasures the years she spent as a homemaker. 

Yet Ginsberg, forty, always knew that as her kids grew older she would want to do more with her life than spend countless hours at the mall or country club with her affluent friends and neighbors in the northern suburbs of New York City. She has the highest respect for mothers who build their lives around their children, husbands, schools, and communities. 

But it wasn't right for her. Just what was her calling? Once she started thinking about it, several years passed before she figured it out. 

Ginsberg knew a few things, for sure. Going back into advertising was out of the question, and she didn't want to do anything that would require resuming her long daily commute into the city. She contemplated trading stocks full-time. But for her that seemed like an emotionally empty pursuit. 

Gradually, the daily headlines in the newspaper started her thinking about some of the world's massive problems. This was post-9/11 and post-Enron. Global warming was starting to stir a lot of discussion, and the gap between the rich and poor was widening. "These problems seemed so massive," she says. "I just started really thinking about what it means to be a human being in the twenty-first century. What struck me was how our habits and perspectives are so skewed by our culture. You must be rich and successful. Being successful means you make a lot of money; that you are in the corporate world, or a doctor or a lawyer." This ingrained mind-set seemed so powerful in adults, she thought, that the only way to change it was to reach out to young students and try to get them to think differently on a daily basis. 

She still wasn't sure what she might do. But she began tilting toward environmental concerns, which were reinforced by conditions and events in her own home. Her youngest son, Gregory, and to a lesser extent his sister, Madeline, were both extremely sensitive to sunlight. Gregory also had an allergic reaction to sunscreens. "He's usually painted like a white ghost with zinc oxide," Ginsberg says. It dawned on her that this skin condition might be at least partly the result of some ecological imbalances. "I looked around on my street and the streets in our town and took note of all the little signs on lawns that warned 'do not enter: pesticide application.' 

We were using a service too, to spray the trees and lawn at our house and I started thinking maybe this stuff isn't so great for my kids. 

That's what made me start thinking about environmental health issues."

With Purpose Success, part 38

Here's how used-car math typically works: the dealer takes an old car with 90,000 or so miles in a trade, paying, say, $1,000 for it. The dealer spends $500 to give the jalopy a face-lift, and then places it on the lot with a $5,000 sticker price. The sales staff is offered a $1,000 incentive to sell it. So that car, which is certain to start costing the new owner big money in repair bills within months, nets the salesman a hefty bonus and the dealer a profit of $2,500-double or even triple the profit on a new car that may sell for $25,000. Meanwhile, the unsophisticated buyer may have been put in a high-rate auto loan as well and stands a chance of defaulting on it and tarnishing his or her credit rating. That, in turn, has the effect of furthering this individual's downward financial spiral. 

Seeing this happen time and again, Chambers recalled the faces of those poor Philippine children he saw as a sailor. Before his eyes, unscrupulous salesmen were preying on the working poor in his hometown. Not only were these problem-beset people buying even more problems-they were also certain to suffer additional economic pain when their car broke down and they were unable to get to work, missing out on a day's pay. 

So Chambers took matters into his own hands. He decided he would quit the car lot and start a service that would negotiate fair car prices for the working poor, help them with their overall finances and see to it that they get fair loans. It was a leap of faith. In five years as a car salesman 

Chambers had learned plenty about wholesale and retail prices-and how to spot a lemon. But he was in over his head when it came to partnering with banks and offering financial counseling to the poor. 

But Chambers charged ahead anyway, calling to mind the words of Ernest Hemmingway in The Old Man and the Sea: "Now is no time to think of what you do not have. Think of what you can do with what there is." Chambers talked a few banks into backing him and in 2001 launched Bonnie CLAC (Car Loans and Counseling; www.bonnieclac. org), a nonprofit dedicated to getting the working poor of New England into reliable vehicles and helping them shore up their credit rating. 

Since launching his firm Chambers has underwritten more than $10 million in car loans, and his clients have each saved an average of $7,000 over the life of their loan. The banks are thrilled because Chambers's referrals collectively have a better-than-average repayment record. "It's a win-win," Chambers says. "I get people who come up and give me hugs, saying, 'I never thought I could get out of debt.' I believe that most individuals really do want to do well. It's just that the system has built a circle around them that they can't escape." 

Chambers takes a comfortable annual salary ($72,000) for his do good efforts. But that's a small reason for him to be in the game. "It's changing people's lives," he says of his loan and counseling service. By making reliable transportation affordable, he helps clients hold a job and also build their credit. If more folks can afford to get to work, more will, he reasons. That's how he's living with purpose and making a difference. 

Teach about the World's Needs 

Just out of college, Katie Ginsberg began a promising career on Madison Avenue, where she worked in account management and served clients, including