With Purpose Success, part 78

In other words, if you'll indulge an American football metaphor, Buffett is the quarterback who drove his team to the goal line and then left the game, handing off responsibility for gaining the final yard-the toughest yard-to another teammate. Gates is no ordinary teammate, for sure. But Sir Tom's point is worth considering: Someone with unusual ability owes it to others to stay with the job until it is finished. In Hunter's view, making a fortune is the easy part; distributing it for maximum good (getting over the goal line, to complete the football metaphor) is the real challenge. "I really believe there's nothing that you can't solve with the right brain power," says Hunter. "I would love to get Warren Buffet's brain engaged in some of these challenges. And, by the way, he would also get so much out of it." 

Taking on Goliath comes naturally to the direct and enthusiastic Hunter, forty-seven, who enjoys playing drums with a local rock band and usually sports a "make poverty history" wrist band. His earliest role model was Wal-mart founder Sam Walton, and he later fashioned himself after a fellow countryman, Andrew Carnegie-whose name Hunter endearingly pronounces as only a Scot would, with the accent on the second syllable (Car-NAY-gee). 

Hunter is the son of a working-class grocer from the Ayrshire mining village of New Cumnock, about an hour south of Glasgow. After a bitter miners' strike in 1984 his father's business failed, which proved to be a valuable early lesson for Hunter in the importance of becoming self- reliant. He was an average student. But he developed a knack for buying and selling things and after college he went to work for a newspaper that he audaciously offered to buy after being there just a few weeks. He was fired by the enraged owner. 

But Hunter found his mark soon enough, striking riches in the global athletic apparel business. His company grew into the U.K.'s top sports retailer before he sold it for $600 million. He was just thirty-seven at the time, and soon after selling the apparel company he opened a private investment firm called West Coast Capital, which provides seed money to entrepreneurs. By age forty-five, Sir Tom had become Scotland's first- and wealthiest-homegrown billionaire. 

It was around then that his personal journey from success to significance took wing, springing somewhat ironically from a strategy to shelter his wealth from taxes. Shortly after selling his company, he established the 

Hunter Foundation with no clear vision of what it might do other than keep the tax man out of his pockets. From this bit of self-interest, though, emerged a new worldview. Hunter began to transform from driven businessman fixated on lavish living into devoted, roll-up-your sleeves philanthropist. "When I became rich, I found I didn't have anything to do anymore, which was kind of scary," Hunter recalls, after selling his company. "And, of course, as my profile grew so did my mailbag. People would write me and ask if I could do this or that for their football team, or their church, or their hospital. Some of the letters really pulled at my heartstrings. So 

I'd send them a check. But then that was it. I didn't know if the money had made a difference. I didn't know if it was even real, and it wasn't fulfilling. Who would have imagined that giving out money would be so boring?" 

He began to research ways he might give that would have more meaning and satisfaction for him and came upon Andrew Carnegie's famous 

Gospel of Wealth, which states that "a man who dies rich, dies disgraced."

With Purpose Success, part 77

Some years, we've concluded that everything is going just fine, while others require serious discussion-maybe even an argument or two- before we can align our needs and commitments again. We also have practical discussions of what our relationship needs more of or less of. 

As our lives have unfolded, these "pauses" have focused on everything from our anxieties over the impending birth of each of our two children, a few work failures and humorous successes, the death of Maddy's dad, and most recently, how we intend to cope with becoming empty nesters and the painful financial reckoning that has seized the world. This annual ritual has proven a great way for us to stay connected, and when the moment comes when we face each other and say "I do," it never fails to help us remember the things that made us fall in love in the first place while allowing us to take notice of all the reasons we love each other still. 

We try not to make a big chore of these occasions and have found that the simpler we keep them, the more we can focus on each other and on the continually evolving purpose of our bond. From time to time, when people learn about our remarriage history, they ask us why we would do something as odd as that. We simply respond, "You should try it! We bet you'll be moved by the experience." 

Giving-It's Also about 

What You Get

Life is without meaning. You bring the meaning to it.

-Joseph Campbell 

In June 2006, Warren Buffett, the second richest person alive, pledged 85 percent of his personal fortune-$31 billion-to the Bill and Melinda 

Gates Foundation. The world of philanthropy had never seen anything like it, and Buffett was roundly applauded not just for his outsized generosity but his humility as well. He could have built himself a shrine in Dubai, or he could have established the world's largest foundation in his own name to live on forever as a monument to his riches. He could have pulled a Leona Helmsley and left $5 billion "for the care and welfare of dogs," or whatever his handpicked goals might be. But Buffett chose otherwise; he handed his money to a friend whom he trusted to more effectively distribute his life's accumulation. In the eyes of the world it was a singular act of selflessness, and a clarion call for others to follow his lead. 

So only a refreshingly honest and irascible Scotsman like Sir Thomas Hunter, a self-made billionaire philanthropist himself, could see Buffett's largesse as anything less than magnanimous. Buffett, argues Hunter, may have taken the easy way out. "If you've been clever enough to make $31 billion, you're wired differently from 99 percent of the population," 

Hunter explained to me. "And I would love to have your thinking in trying to solve the world's seemingly intractable problems." 

With Purpose Success, part 76

In fact, Maddy and I have found that to make our marriage work, we have to continually bring "purpose" to this relationship, just as we've been discussing with regards to work, or charitable involvements. I've come to notice that for so many people, their marriage can simply get lost within the pushes, pulls, and pressures of their everyday lives. It appears that many marriages wrongly assume that automatic pilot will keep things in place. I truly don't think it happens that way for most of us. In fact, I'm convinced that just as a garden regularly needs replanting or a business may need continual infusions of investment capital, our marriages also need to be refreshed-even rebooted-on a regular basis. There are lots of relatively easy activities that can help to refresh our romance: simple acts of kindness during a stressful period, an unexpected gift, a playful dinner for two-and so on. 

However, one of the key ways that we repeatedly remind ourselves of the sacredness of our bond is by getting remarried every year-again and again. Yes, that's right. Maddy and I have gotten remarried every year on or near our anniversary for twenty-five years-and counting. When we originally married, on Thanksgiving in 1983, we had such a great time at the ceremony and on our honeymoon that I asked Maddy if she'd consider remarrying me every year. And, to add a bit of spice to this ritual, we set the rules that we would do so in a different religion and in a different location each year. 

We haven't missed a year yet, and so far, we've been remarried in a castle in Bath, England, by an Anglican priest; in a Hopi ceremony in 

Sedona, Arizona; and at Marie Antoinette's Chapel of Love in Versailles, France. We've been married by the skiing judge of Vail on the high slopes of Vail mountain; in a tai chi ceremony (followed by a nude soak in the mineral hot springs) at Esalen Institute in Big Sur, California; by a tribal chief and his toddler grandchildren in a Navajo ceremony in Tucson, Arizona; and by the ship's captain while cruising through the Sea of Cambodia off the coast of Thailand. We've recited our vows in Grace Church in Greenwich Village; in a Buddhist ceremony in Berkeley, California; in a Mayan wedding at the top of the Chichen Itza pyramid in the Yucatan; and, of course, at the Chapel of Love in Las Vegas (and I'm a bit embarrassed to admit that I was dressed in a white Elvis jumpsuit with red trim-gold medallion and all). We've even been "married" twice by our children-once in Zihuatanejo, Mexico, and a few years later on a secluded beach on the remote island of Anegada in the British Virgin 

Islands.

We also had our kids perform a formal remarriage ceremony for my parents in celebration of their sixtieth anniversary at our home in California. 

When my dad strolled down the aisle in his white dinner jacket arm in arm with my beaming mom and then our kids launched into the service that they had written together, it was an incredibly powerful moment in all of our lives-for every reason you can think of. 

For Maddy and me, getting remarried each year is definitely a lot of fun. But we also have found that these occasions are like valuable sanctuaries when we can look critically at the year that just passed and openly discuss what went wrong and what went right. These moments have become punctuation points in our relationship when we can stop the train, take a deep breath, and rechart our course. When I was younger, I believed that the nouns and verbs of our lives were what mattered most. 

Maddy and I have both come to appreciate the special importance of the punctuation points! 

With Purpose Success, part 75

People like Michelle Mundy, Mark Goldstein, and Gerald Chertavian have enormous impact, and so could you by finding a group like theirs, or starting one, and coaching someone who might benefit from your interests, experiences, or particular set of skills. And as each of them points out-you'll benefit too from fresh perspectives that can only come from people who are not part of your age or economic or ethnic demographics. 

The Win-Win 

I've described mentoring as a two-way street, and it really is. You get as much as you give. I recall a project decades ago when I was asked to teach a group of elders how to take better care of their health. I would engage them in yoga and meditation for a while, and afterward we'd just sit and talk. These elders loved the time they spent regaling each other-and me-with tales from their younger days. It was a joy for them to voice their memories. 

The strange thing was that the more I indulged them the more I found myself enraptured by what they had to say. I often felt that what they had to say to me was far more interesting than what I had been teaching them. They had so much stored knowledge. When I got beneath the surface-to their stories and insights, and the moments that had changed their lives-there was so much for me to learn from them. 

Experiences like that are what propelled me into the aging field.

Today we have a society groping for wisdom and guidance, as illustrated by the explosion of self-help books and self-appointed media gurus. 

Yet it may be the person living in the apartment next door who has the answers you really need. By not seeking that person out; by not setting up mechanisms for that kind of exchange, collectively we're letting some of the greatest wealth of our time go to waste. Meanwhile, as individuals we're failing to explore a gold mine of potentially transforming yet-to-be relationships. 

A Confession 

OK, so even though the title of this chapter suggests that our marriages might not be the most important relationship in our lives, the truth of it is-in mine it is. That might be the case for you too, if you are married or have a longtime partner. The title is not to be taken literally. I'm just saying you need to shake things up and keep pursuing other relationships even as you take care of this paramount one. Over the long haul, there's no question that my connection with my wife, Maddy, ultimately towers over all other relationships in my life. But this special quarter- century love affair doesn't always just "fall into place," and there are times when we're ready to strangle each other or when it feels as though the other activities of our lives have formed jungle vines that threaten to cover-or even bury-our connection. 

With Purpose Success, part 74

These kinds of transitions from the for-profit world to the nonprofit world are becoming common and have immense value. In Mark's case, the skills and knowledge he brought to his faith-based consulting wouldn't necessarily strike anyone on Madison Avenue as earth-shattering. But within this particular nonprofit sector they just didn't have his level of sophistication. What he brings to them is enormously valuable, and 

Mark's profound sense of contribution provides incalculable satisfaction.

Civic Programs. Nondenominational mentor programs also abound.

Again, they tend to have a strong focus on youth and fall under a national organization like the Foster Grandparent Program (www.seniorcorps. org), Boy Scouts of America (www.scouting.org), Girls Scouts of the 

USA (www.girlscouts.org), Girls Inc. (www.girlsinc.org), National Black Child Development Institute (www.nbcdi.org), Kids and the Power of 

Work (www.kapow.com) and YMCA of the USA (www.ymca.net). The central aim of these types of programs is to impart skills that will help kids throughout their life. 

There are also many locally operated nonprofit mentor programs run by a highly energized founder, which makes them fun to work for if you are a volunteer. The key is matching your passion with the right organization. 

Helping Inner-City Youth 

A longtime supporter and mentor through Big Brothers Big Sisters, Gerald Chertavian wanted to step up his service commitment after striking it rich during the dot-com mania in the late 1990s. He never forgot the essays he wrote to get into Harvard Business School, where he later graduated with honors. He had espoused on the need to teach low-income young adults basic business skills. "So I decided it was time to make good on those essays," he says. 

Chertavian, forty-two, grew up in working-class Lowell, Massachusetts but enjoyed a successful career on Wall Street before starting a software development company that, when sold in 1999, put $27 million in his pocket. Long active in Big Brothers Big Sisters, he turned his thoughts to the four million young adults aged eighteen to twenty-four who, he says, are disconnected from society because they've never been given a chance. "That's totally unacceptable," says Chertavian. "This is a solvable problem." 

In 2000, he launched Year Up, a nonprofit that gives disadvantaged young adults one year of training in what Chertavian calls ABC: attitude, behavior, and communications. This interpersonal training is complemented with technical training, usually in computers. Students are paid a stipend of $180 a week and get docked if they're late for class. Some 85 percent find meaningful work directly out of his program; 60 percent of those who enroll have been referred by former students. 

Wilfredo Pena came to the States from El Salvador as a teen refugee, went through the Year Up drill, and found work in the back office at Fidelity 

Investments. "He's now finishing college and has bought a house," says Chertavian. "He's living the American dream." 

Year Up now has seventy employees and an annual budget of $13 mil lion. It operates in four cities and graduates five hundred a year. Chertavian, who just began taking a salary at the insistence of his board, is now raising $18 million to expand into four more cities. "This is incredibly satisfying to me," he says. "I have a real desire to mentor and see other people reach their potential. I'm so blessed. I get to find meaning in what 

I do every single day."

With Purpose Success, part 73

Program (www.seniorcorps.org). Senior companions serve adults who need assistance to live independently. They offer companionship, assist with simple chores, and provide transportation. Generally, senior companions are sixty or over and must commit to at least fifteen hours each week. Some training and expense reimbursement is available. But the real benefit to the volunteer is the joy of helping others. 

Here's John Glenn on the subject of retirees giving back: "When I was in space the second time, I was seventy-seven. When I came back I heard from every old folks' organization in the United States. Most of them were just congratulatory things but some of them wanted advice, and my best advice is, I think you do better when you wake up every morning with something you're looking forward to, something productive. Older adults sometimes just sit and do nothing, and I think that's the worst thing they can do. They've had a lifetime of experience. They've had education. They've had on-the-job training. They've been business executives. 

They've been farmers. They spend a lifetime learning how to do these things. I don't think it has to end. At the least we can have people who take these experiences and use them to mentor young people, advising and counseling them so that maybe they don't have to make some of the same mistakes we made in getting through our own lives. "A mentor gets a lot of satisfaction. They're doing something constructive, so they feel good about that, and when they see the results with the young people they're working with it's very, very rewarding. 

Also, they have a feeling that their own experiences aren't just ending because they're old. They're able to sort of provide a new base through their own experience; they provide a new base for a young person to start from and that gives you a great deal of satisfaction." 

Faith-based programs. Religious organizations account for 43 percent of all volunteers who mentor youngsters and thus are a major force in this movement. Much of their effort centers on spreading their philosophy and reinforcing their values. These can be gratifying outlets for folks who share the same religious zeal as the organization. 

Some years ago one of my former executives at Age Wave, Mark Gold- stein, rediscovered his faith. Mark is a terrific public speaker with a deep understanding of how to craft marketing plans to appeal to maturing boomers. But his life changed after his mother's death. He began attending temple more regularly and started requesting private visits with his rabbi. While attending these sessions, he couldn't help but notice that the services and programs seemed to be out of touch with the middle-aged men and women in the community. One day he was asked to speak at a gathering of Jewish leaders, and he talked about the fact that many boomers were turned off by organized religion and how congregations might approach this generation to reengage their faith. The audience loved him, and now he spends most of his time counseling Jewish leaders on how to better appeal to a new generation of congregants. He has become a marketing guru for a nonprofit sector, all based on the knowledge and skills he learned during the course of his primary career. 

With Purpose Success, part 72

Sounds pretty darn easy, doesn't it? If you still have doubts, take this fifteen-question "mentor quiz" designed by Peer Resources. Award 5 points if your answer is yes; 2 points if your answer is sometimes; and 1 point if your answer is no: ___Do you know what it's like to have worries, frustrations, and concerns about your work? ___ Do people seek you out to talk about their worries, frustrations, and concerns? ___Is the amount of time you spend listening significantly greater than the amount you spend talking? ___ Has anyone ever helped you uncover a feeling or talent that, before then, you hadn't recognized in yourself? ___ Has anyone ever inspired you with a famous quote that influenced your thinking or behavior, and that you have since passed on to others? ___ Has anyone ever prodded you to an "aha!" moment that enabled you to grasp the core of meaning of some event, or a deeper understanding of yourself or someone else? ___ Has anyone ever helped you gain knowledge about how things work, about how to get things done? ___ Has anyone ever encouraged you to find a way to deal with challenges in your life or work? ___Has there ever been anyone in your life who had a profound positive effect on you, but you didn't realize it until much later in your life? ___ Has someone in your life provided just the right help to you at just the right time? ___ Has anyone in your life helped you to grow and deepen your character, moral or ethical integrity, or gain a stronger commitment to your values? ___ Has anyone inspired you to shift the direction of your life in a constructive way? ___ Have you ever reached out to a person in need, and made a difference? ___ Do other people reach out to you when they have important life or career decisions? ___ Have you ever felt a profound change in your values and goals after pondering something you observed, read, or experienced? ___Your Mentor Score 

Now add them up. If you scored 60 to 75 points you not only have great potential to be a mentor but probably are also already acting in that capacity for one or more people. If you scored 45 to 59 points you are clearly a valued person in other people's lives and have what it takes to be a great mentor. If you scored 30 to 44 points you may have core mentoring strengths that likely will blossom through experience. If you scored below 29, you may still be right for this type of giving, but you may need some training. 

Your Mentoring Choices

The vast majority of community-based mentor programs are geared toward at-risk youth, those teens and preteens who come from poor and often split families and are most vulnerable to dropping out of school and getting into trouble and living a life of low expectations. Yet there are ample opportunities to mentor all kinds of kids through athletics, tutoring, and programs like Junior Achievement (www.ja.org). You can mentor youngsters with disabilities, those wishing to learn a hobby or play an instrument, or how to write or take up a cause. 

Mentoring opportunities extend beyond kids and the physical limitations imposed by geography-to virtual and professional communities of folks around the world with whom you share a value or experience. 

That might be your alumni association, a national civic group, your tribe, fellow ex-pats, activists, or coworkers. 

A woman I know who recently retired from her entertainment law practice is putting together a group of retired Hollywood cameramen, newscasters, screenwriters, producers, actors, and actresses-to travel to third world nations and teach teenagers all how to envision and produce world-class media. Imagine their impact? A troupe of highly skilled com munications professionals heads off to, oh, Kenya to share their skills with people who are just developing their ability to publish local newspapers and film documentaries-and who can really benefit from this type of knowledge. Being a mentor in this more flexible, modular world outside your own immediate community can be both satisfying and liberating. 

Whatever you try, give it time. The fit may not always be perfect at first and it will take time to work out the kinks. But don't be afraid to move on if something doesn't feel right after a few weeks or months. 

Mentoring should be an experience you enjoy. Give yourself permission to explore various options until the right connection falls into place. 

There are formal mentor programs geared toward seniors too, who may be struggling with finding new friends, a purpose, or a pastime and who may be encountering aging issues like immobility, medical care, loss of a spouse, financial difficulty, or loneliness. Such people can benefit from a surrogate child or grandchild. But often the best mentor for a senior is another senior who's already faced one or more of the same issues. One organization making such matches is the Senior Companion